Humor or how to live at home like you did on the boats.

1. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Two to three hours after you fall asleep, have your wife whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and mumble “Sorry, wrong rack”.

2. Repeat back everything anyone says to you.

3. Spend as much time as possible indoors and avoid sunlight. Only view the world through the peephole on your front door.

4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of your bathtub and move the showerhead down to chest level. Shower once a week or less. Use no more than 2 gallons of water per shower.

5. Buy a trash compactor and use it once a week. Store garbage in the other side of your bathtub.

6. Sit in your car for six hours a day with your hands on the wheel and the motor running, but don’t go anywhere. Install 200 extra oil temperature gauges. Take logs on all gages and indicators every 30 minutes.

7. Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it on “High”.

8. Watch only unknown movies with no major stars on TV and then, only at night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then watch a different one.

9. Don’t do your wash at home. Pick the most crowded laundromat you can find.

10. (Optional for Nukes and A-Div) Leave lawnmower running in your living room six hours a day for proper noise level and smell.

11. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.

12. Take hourly readings on your electric and water meters.

13. Invite guests, but don’t have enough food for them.

14. Buy a broken exercise bicycle and strap it down to the floor in your kitchen.

15. Eat only food that you get out of a can or that you have to add water to.

16. Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread. (Optional- cold beans and weenies, canned ravioli, or soup).

17. Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in your food cabinets or refrigerator.

18. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. When it goes off, jump out of your rack and get dressed as fast as you can, then run to your kitchen with the garden hose while wearing a scuba mask.

19. Once a month take every major appliance completely apart and then put them back together. Ensure you have parts left over.

20. Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for 5 or 6 hours before drinking. Never wash any coffee cups.

21. Invite at least 85 people you don’t really like to come and visit for a couple of months. Limit showers to weekly for all guests. (Unless they are interested in electronics) force those guests to shower three times daily and wear * bottle of stale cologne following each bathing).

22. Store your eggs in your garage for two months and then scramble a dozen each morning.

23. Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books.

24. Check your refrigerator compressor for “sound shorts”.